“Remember, only you can prevent forest fires.”
— Smokey Bear
“Give a hoot. Don’t pollute.”
— Woodsy Owl
“Give the virus no assistance! Wash your hands and keep your distance!”
— Soapy the Pandemic Panda
Fun facts:
Plymouth paid Warner Bros. fifty grand to use the Road Runner name and likeness.
Hatched in 1968, the Plymouth Road Runner wasn’t discontinued until 1980.
And yes, Plymouth had a special beep-beep horn for it, developed by the Sparton Corporation of Jackson, Michigan. Hear it here.
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I have a theory that the only reason Red (strong) Charmin exists is to take valuable shelf space away from other brands so that people buy more Blue (soft) Charmin.
What we need is Plaid Charmin, bringing soft and strong back into one toilet paper. And as a bonus, the Plaid Charmin Poopbears would be friggin’ adorable.
The commercial opens in a cul-de-sac with ranch-style mid-1980s houses at daybreak.
A door opens, and Matthew McConaughey appears carrying a full kitchen garbage bag.
Not quite sure what to do, he sets it down in the middle of the driveway and goes back inside.
[Lincoln logo]
I was trying to find out if the big container of Crisco was called a canister, can, jar, tub, pail, bucket or something else, and noticed this rather ambitious bit of copy…
Fearless Fosdick was a comic strip parody of Dick Tracy that existed inside another comic strip, Al Capp’s Li’l Abner. He became so popular that he got his own TV puppet show, inspired the creation of MAD Magazine (allegedly) and became the spokesman, in his own way, for Wildroot Cream-Oil hair tonic.
Also, he was stupid, broke, had terrible aim and was frequently shot. Not quite a Dapper Dan, but he did the job.
[Late afternoon in the United States Senate Chamber. Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell is addressing the room.]
Mitch McConnell: “…therefore, we all agree that President Donald Trump has the handsomest and firmest buttocks in Ameri… Lindsey, are you eating a cookie? You’re going to ruin your supper!”
Lindsey Graham: “Fuck off, Mitch. It’s not a cookie; it’s a Newton! Besides, what does it matter? We all sold our souls to the devil and that bloated cheeto* has dirt on us all!”
McConnell: “I say I say, how dare you insult our Dear Supreme Leader…”
Graham: “He calls you ‘Mitch the Bitch’ you know.”
McConnell: [Sputters Southernly]
Rand Paul: “Dammit, Lindsey! Are those my fuckin’ Newtons!?”
Graham: [stuffing more Newtons in his mouth] “No. Fuck off.”
[Paul tackles Graham. McConnell tries to reestablish dominance by inflating his neck wattle but is ignored. The rest of the Senators join the fracas.]
[A package of Nabisco Newtons appears on screen along with new tagline.]
Voiceover: “Fuck off. It’s a Newton!”
Singout: ♬ Na-bis-co! ♬
End.
*Used generically to annoy Frito-Lay.
(Note: It’s actually “alterative juice”, but I’m sticking with alternative juice because it amuses me.)
If you got syphilis, yo, this’ll solve it.
Alternative juice will prolly dissolve it.
Let’s check out these Succus Alterans Alternative Juice ingredients! According to Wikipedia…
“Stillingia sylvatica was used by Native Americans for syphilis and as a cathartic, diuretic, laxative, and emetic. In large doses, it causes vomiting and diarrhea.”
Smilax ornata (sarsparilla) “was a popular European treatment for syphilis when it was introduced from the New World.”
Phytolacca Decandra (pokeweed) is poisonous and was used for skin diseases, rheumatism, weight loss, mumps and arthritis.
Lappa Minor’s (lesser durdock) larger cousin, Arctium lappa, was used as “a diuretic, diaphoretic, and a blood purifying agent” as well as a cancer, skin condition and cold/flu treatment.
Xanthoxylum carolinanium (Hercules’ club) is also known as the “toothache tree” or “tingle tongue” and was used to treat toothache.
Who needs orange juice with a delightful concoction like this!
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Now, what’s more colorful than colors?
I can’t hear ya! I say what’s, what’s more colorful than Mexicolors?
Alright alright alright alright alright alright alright alright alright alright alright alright alright alright alright alright!
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What a great way to introduce a new brand.
Look at the sheer amount of copy in this comic book ad aimed at kids!
The copywriter even got “akimbo” and “dadgum” approved!
Wowie-zowie! I’m impressed.
Note: I had no idea Hubba Bubba was available in mint flavor back in 1980.