A-T T-H-E B-E-A-C-H J-U-S-T F-I-N-I-S-H-E-D B-U-R-Y-I-N-G F-I-V-E D-O-Z-E-N E-G-G-S I-N T-H-E S-A-N-D A-N-D T-O-L-D T-H-E C-O-N-T-A-C-T P-O-S-I-N-G A-S A L-I-F-E-G-U-A-R-D T-H-A-T I W-A-S A S-E-A T-U-R-T-L-E B-U-T H-E D-I-D-N-T R-E-S-P-O-N-D I-N P-R-O-P-E-R C-O-D-E O-R G-I-V-E M-E T-H-E M-I-C-R-O-B-L-U-E-P-R-I-N-T-S T-O T-H-E R-U-S-S-I-A-N D-E-V-I-C-E A-M G-R-O-W-I-N-G C-O-N-C-E-R-N-E-D T-H-A-T M-Y C-O-V-E-R I-S B-L-O-W-N A-W-A-I-T-I-N-G F-U-R-T-H-E-R I-N-S-T-R-U-C-T-I-O-N-S F-R-O-M C-E-N-T-R-A-L C-O-M-M-A-N-D P-L-E-A-S-E H-U-R-R-Y A-G-E-N-T L-O-G-G-E-R-H-E-A-D O-U-T

Cooter Scooterberg kept his #32 stock car in neutral and idling, occasionally revving the engine to make the kids think they were winning. After a few seconds of teasing thus, he dropped the hammer, took off and easily won the tug-o-war contest, handing out nine serious cases of third-degree rope burn in the process.

It was the best Calagulah Speedway Annual Orphan Day and Picnic ever!

After winning the Mega Millions lottery, Maurice quit his job as a copywriter and spent his days hanging out at the neighborhood grocer, challenging random shoppers to “take a number” dispenser lunge races.

Although it was usually pretty spiffy having a wife who was born and raised a witch, a real downer was Leftover Soup Saturday, a weekly side effect of what Aaron and the kids secretly referred to as “Failed Potion Friday.”

While not nearly as cool as a magic school bus or as handy as a magic carpet bag and umbrella, the constant threat of being incinerated by Ms. Puffworth’s Fiery Orb of Hasty Judgment for the slightest infraction tended to keep the children alert, obedient and well-behaved during their many outings.