Whoever wrote this sublime Tumblr app update description, I bow before your greatness.

Never miss the opportunity to make something awesome.

The copy: Why do we malign bugs so? Are we not their Creators? As we crush them, do we not crush a part of ourselves? It was not weakness or failure that allowed them into this world. Nay, it was the light of innovation that we cast into the dark corners that these bugs call home. ’Twas our torches that send those bugs skittering. This update does not contain bug fixes. No! This update contains bug promises. Promises to find them a new home where each may pursue those interests most central to them.

Winona Ryder posing with some of her shoplifting trophies on the cover of Architectural Digest

The turnover rate at the Bismarck Burger King must be insane.

burger king sign in bismarck, north dakota

North Dakotans — Sons of the wild jackass.

Another example of why I love going through vintage magazines.

“North, a constant hotbed of agrarian reform, is radical, progressive, upsetting in politics with a habit of electing opinionated men whom sober folk elsewhere often regard as sons of the wild jackass.”

— Jack Schaefer, describing North Dakota in the feature article for Holiday magazine, May 1955.

Thanks to an all-too-familiar sensation, Hank realized he sat in fresh cow flop.

1974 Marlboro Magazine Ad

You’d think the smell would’ve given it away, but he’s a smoker so, well, you know.

Why? Because the neighborhood’s gone to hell since Santa showed up, that’s why.

Jews for Jesus 1984 magazine ad

This headline would have benefitted from a comma.

Keep the Y’shua in Y’shuamas, y’all, or the giant hand of God will grab and smite thee. Continue reading

The art director must’ve fallen asleep before kerning this ad.

Spotify-placed ad for Serta mattresses

The kerning (or lack thereof) of this Serta ad has left me tossing and turning.

And twitching.

Polite or Desperate?

Carlton cigarettes magazine ad from 1984

Or rather, polite desperation or desperate politeness?

Poor Little Turtle Children

slow turtle child

It horrifies and sickens me that some parents would publicly shame their underperforming children like this.

“Thank you for paying for your service plan these last few years, sucker.”

That magical moment when, after not having hot water for three days, your utility company’s outsourced service plan provider decides to give you the middle finger via voicemail.