20 Righteous Republican Jokes for Republicans Who Think Republican Things Republicanly

1.
Q: Why do Trolls live under bridges?
A: Obama.
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Danimals — The Tenth Circle of Advertising Hell

Actual transcript from a Danimals commercial:

Girl: “What’s with the cool music?”
Boy: “We’ve been squeezefaced!”
Girl: “Squeezefaced?”
Boy: “From the deliciousness of Danimals Squeezables! Wanna get your squeeze on?”
Girl: “Bring it on!”
Boy: “Whoa! Cool!”
Girl: “It’s so good!”
Boy: “This is awesome!”
Boy: “Double squeezeface!
Girl: “Look!”
Boy: “Whoa!”
Girl: “Wanna try one?”
Principal: “Wow!”
Boy and Girl: “School rocks!”
Girl: “New Danimals Squeezables!”
Boy: “Squeeze more fun into lunch!”

When I’m feeling sad, I simply remember that I don’t work on the Dannon Danimals account and then I don’t feel so bad.

If you thought those Star Wars prequels were bad, you ain’t seen nuthin’ yet!

Step right up and don’t be shy, because you will not believe your eyes!

Behold, the carnival-attraction majesty of Space Odyssey 2000!

Space Odyssey 2000 is not to be confused with “2001: A Space Odyssey” — It’s completely different! Totally different! Continue reading

Heinz shows us that not all labels are bad.

Heinzsight. I love it when somebody takes a brand and puts more into it than they have to. In this case, Heinz did some sweet seasonal ketchup bottle labels — They didn’t have to, but they did, and that made it better. Brand personality, yo.

Groovy work, Heinz. I hope you do something like this again soon.

NOTE: I was told there was also a summer beachball tomato label, but alas, I was not in time.

An ordinary wallet can cost you over a hundred dollars…

An ordinary wallet can cost you over a hundred dollars… if you are a total friggin’ idiot and/or it is made with albino rhino penis skin.

The mall caper goes awry.

“Maybe applying super glue to our suction cups wasn’t such a great idea, Frankie.”

“Shaddap yer mug and keep still and mebbe nobody will spot us, Johnny.”

“But we’ve been stuck here since midnight, Frankie!”

“Shaddap and make like a deer in headlights, Johnny.”

“I really gotta pee, Frankie!”

“Shaddap!”

You can’t lick this stamp collection (because someone else already did).

On January 2nd, 2016, I won an eBay auction for a lot of nine comic books from the late-60s and early-70s. Along with my winning bid price, I paid an additional five bucks for economy shipping.

When I received an eBay alert that they had shipped, I noticed that it didn’t include a tracking number, which is kind of unusual these days. Then when I received the package on January 7th, I found out why.


This dude didn’t just go old school, he went old-old school, meeting the $3.22 in postage with stamps. And I’m not talking Ingrid Bergman and Charlie Brown forever stamps from 2015; at least one of the stamps he used is over a century old. Incredible and crazy cool.

It was time to give my Google-Fu a workout, and the following is what I discovered. Continue reading

“In the future, everyone will be hydrated for 15 minutes.”

In 1983, Andy Warhol created over 40 screen prints featuring Perrier bottles.

In 2013, Perrier created 4 Perrier bottle labels as a tribute to Andy Warhol.

In 2015, Clayton Hove found them on a dusty K-Mart shelf in Bismarck, North Dakota, and bought them because he thought they were kinda neat.

With great expectations come great disappointments.

The promise.

The reality.

Dammit.