My constipation worries are over!

From an ad in a 1959 Cosmopolitan magazine. Horseback riding has many benefits.

♬ Standin’ on your mama’s porch,
You told me that you’d wait forever.
Oh, and when you held my hand,
My constipation worries are over!
Those were the best days of my life.
Oh, yeah.
Back in the summer of ’59, oh.

— If Bryan Adams has written about a decade earlier

“It’s like trying to swallow a mouthful of thumbtacks.”*

Black Velvet Blended Canadian Whisky ad from a 1974 magazine.

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Go, Spud, go!

Partial ad from a vintage mag that got me to thinking I should start collecting some of these things.

Say hello to Spud, America’s first menthol cigarette brand.

And no, this name was not focus group tested.

Read its lovely history here.

Is this where the phrase “shit the bed” comes from?

She seems nice.

Another fine gem of a scam from an old romance comic book.

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The proofreading bar has been raised.

Whoever wrote this sublime Tumblr app update description, I bow before your greatness.

Never miss the opportunity to make something awesome.

The copy: Why do we malign bugs so? Are we not their Creators? As we crush them, do we not crush a part of ourselves? It was not weakness or failure that allowed them into this world. Nay, it was the light of innovation that we cast into the dark corners that these bugs call home. ’Twas our torches that send those bugs skittering. This update does not contain bug fixes. No! This update contains bug promises. Promises to find them a new home where each may pursue those interests most central to them.

Winona Ryder posing with some of her shoplifting trophies on the cover of Architectural Digest

The turnover rate at the Bismarck Burger King must be insane.

burger king sign in bismarck, north dakota

North Dakotans — Sons of the wild jackass.

Another example of why I love going through vintage magazines.

“North, a constant hotbed of agrarian reform, is radical, progressive, upsetting in politics with a habit of electing opinionated men whom sober folk elsewhere often regard as sons of the wild jackass.”

— Jack Schaefer, describing North Dakota in the feature article for Holiday magazine, May 1955.

Thanks to an all-too-familiar sensation, Hank realized he sat in fresh cow flop.

1974 Marlboro Magazine Ad

You’d think the smell would’ve given it away, but he’s a smoker so, well, you know.