Category Archives: jus’ some writin’

Always proofread.

Food Panties.

Just my type.

I thought I had a chance at this wonderfully odd Williams typewriter invented by John Newton Williams and the first typewriter where the typist could actually see what they just typed (Williams also invented one of the first helicopters and a 3-cylinder motorcycle). It was the first item up for auction. The typewriter went for $1,200. I did not have a chance.

Armour Hot Dogs Jingle 2019

♬ Hot dogs, Armour hot dogs.
What kind of kids eat Armour hot dogs?
Fat kids, skinny kids, kids who climb on rocks,
Tough kids, sissy kids, even kids with chicken pox,
But not kids with measles,
Because thanks to their anti-vax parents,
They are now dead and can no longer
Love hot dogs, Armour hot dogs.
The dogs kids love to bite! 

Everyone would be in love with me.

The kid who sings about wishing to be an Oscar Mayer wiener suffers from childhood deprivation, acting out in desperation to fill the void that cannot be filled. He will soon be consumed by his own emotional hunger, forever longing like a withered gas station roller dog.

Monday

My office phone buzzed.

Telemarketer on line one.

I turned to reply.

The back of my timeworn office chair gave.

The chair tipped.

The chair fell.

I tipped.

I fell.

Somehow, I was still in the chair.

Several seconds passed.

“Send them to voicemail, please.”

Monday.

Wisdom

Whisper admonished me for failing to reach a zen state because I stress about things I should no longer care about.

“If you give somebody a perfectly grilled steak and they take it and slather shampoo and gravel all over it and then complain that it isn’t any good, that’s on them, not you. Meow.”

Whisper is wise.

Frosh

My freshman year of college at Moorhead State University (now Minnesota State University Moorhead) was not a pleasant one.

My first assigned roommate in Neumaier Hall was eventually kicked out of the building by our third floor RA. He went on to become a wanted cult leader and was featured in the “Cults, Religion & Mind Control” episode of E!’s THS Investigates.

My second assigned roommate in Neumaier Hall was a fellow who brought and stored an AK-something and a couple of full ammo cans in our dorm room. Blah blah Russian made blah blah Chinese assault blah blah semi-automatic but blah blah filed the blah blah now fully automatic blah blah. On more than one occasion, I’d come home and open the dorm room door to find him naked on his lower dorm bunk, cleaning his rifle. Not a euphemism, although it is also a euphemism. One evening while I was at work, our dorm room was raided by a cop/fed combo and after the RA filled me in later that night, I never saw him or heard about him again.

But the worst part of my freshman year was a TV commercial for Friendly Motors that aired late at night. In it, there was a portly man wearing a white suit and white cowboy hat like Boss Hogg on The Dukes of Hazzard. There might’ve been a donkey or mule standing beside him in the car lot. The man wore a mask and opened the commercial with, “Hi! I’m the Loan Arranger!”

I still have nightmares.

They later demolished Neumaier Hall. I assume they did that so that nobody else had to go through what I went through.

Astigmatism

Am I the only one who grew up thinking “astigmatism” was “stigmatism”?

“You have a stigmatism.”
“I have a what?”
“A stigmatism.”
“A stigmatism? Am I dying?”
“No, but when you get older, your contact lenses will be hella spendy.”

(later, to self) “…Lenses?”

When in doubt, mumble

When in charge, ponder When in trouble, delegate When in doubt, mumble

I found some curious vintage leadership advice at the local Goodwill store. And yes, it went home with me for the low, low price of $1.99.

Respect to Siggi’s for not being afraid of awesome words like “vexatious”.