Category Archives: jus’ some writin’

Armour Hot Dogs Jingle 2019

♬ Hot dogs, Armour hot dogs.
What kind of kids eat Armour hot dogs?
Fat kids, skinny kids, kids who climb on rocks,
Tough kids, sissy kids, even kids with chicken pox,
But not kids with measles,
Because thanks to their anti-vax parents,
They are now dead and can no longer
Love hot dogs, Armour hot dogs.
The dogs kids love to bite! 

Everyone would be in love with me.

The kid who sings about wishing to be an Oscar Mayer wiener suffers from childhood deprivation, acting out in desperation to fill the void that cannot be filled. He will soon be consumed by his own emotional hunger, forever longing like a withered gas station roller dog.

Monday

My office phone buzzed.

Telemarketer on line one.

I turned to reply.

The back of my timeworn office chair gave.

The chair tipped.

The chair fell.

I tipped.

I fell.

Somehow, I was still in the chair.

Several seconds passed.

“Send them to voicemail, please.”

Monday.

Wisdom

Whisper admonished me for failing to reach a zen state because I stress about things I should no longer care about.

“If you give somebody a perfectly grilled steak and they take it and slather shampoo and gravel all over it and then complain that it isn’t any good, that’s on them, not you. Meow.”

Whisper is wise.

Frosh

My freshman year of college at Moorhead State University (now Minnesota State University Moorhead) was not a pleasant one.

My first assigned roommate in Neumaier Hall was eventually kicked out of the building by our third floor RA. He went on to become a wanted cult leader and was featured in the “Cults, Religion & Mind Control” episode of E!’s THS Investigates.

My second assigned roommate in Neumaier Hall was a fellow who brought and stored an AK-something and a couple of full ammo cans in our dorm room. Blah blah Russian made blah blah Chinese assault blah blah semi-automatic but blah blah filed the blah blah now fully automatic blah blah. On more than one occasion, I’d come home and open the dorm room door to find him naked on his lower dorm bunk, cleaning his rifle. Not a euphemism, although it is also a euphemism. One evening while I was at work, our dorm room was raided by a cop/fed combo and after the RA filled me in later that night, I never saw him or heard about him again.

But the worst part of my freshman year was a TV commercial for Friendly Motors that aired late at night. In it, there was a portly man wearing a white suit and white cowboy hat like Boss Hogg on The Dukes of Hazzard. There might’ve been a donkey or mule standing beside him in the car lot. The man wore a mask and opened the commercial with, “Hi! I’m the Loan Arranger!”

I still have nightmares.

They later demolished Neumaier Hall. I assume they did that so that nobody else had to go through what I went through.

Astigmatism

Am I the only one who grew up thinking “astigmatism” was “stigmatism”?

“You have a stigmatism.”
“I have a what?”
“A stigmatism.”
“A stigmatism? Am I dying?”
“No, but when you get older, your contact lenses will be hella spendy.”

(later, to self) “…Lenses?”

When in doubt, mumble

When in charge, ponder When in trouble, delegate When in doubt, mumble

I found some curious vintage leadership advice at the local Goodwill store. And yes, it went home with me for the low, low price of $1.99.

Respect to Siggi’s for not being afraid of awesome words like “vexatious”.

I had another Kinko’s dream this morning.

I was working the night shift at Kinko’s Copy Center (now FedEx Office) in Grand Forks, North Dakota and a lady came in wanting 54 half-page invites printed on Orbit Orange (I think that was “1A” in Kinko’s code) for a sauerkraut-themed party.

Sure thing, so I took her original at the counter and went back to the copiers and found out that management had switched to that stupid Just In Time inventory management system and there wasn’t enough Orbit Orange paper on the shelf and it was the night shift so I couldn’t order any in time anyway so I’m franticly digging through the back of the store looking for more Orbit Orange paper but I can’t find any.

So, since it’s a sauerkraut-themed party, I suggest maybe printing it on a cream-colored paper since that would be closer in color to sauerkraut, and she’s very kind and agrees but I can tell she’s disappointed.

So I go back to print her invites on cream-colored paper and then I can’t find her original invite to make copies from. So I’m digging all around and the store starts to get busy with more customers coming in but I’m going to find that damned invite. That lady is extremely patient.

So I finally find that original invite and it’s on a work table and just under the tabletop is a shelf that’s out of sight from the counter with a compartment full of heavier-weight Orbit Orange cardstock. Duh! These are 5.5”x8.5” invites so of course they should be copied on cardstock and I have enough to make them in Orbit Orange! She’ll be so happy!

But just as I go to grab the stack of Orbit Orange cardstock, I see that it’s all gone except for a single sheet and the morning person (Hi, Lynn!) who came to replace me had taken and used it for another project that just came in and then I woke up to a text message alert sound and I realized I had slept through five alarms and now I’m totally exhausted.

Shirking Boredom with Airplane Safety Instruction Cards

floating

On the last leg of my flight from Seattle to Bismarck, I went looking for a diversion.

This is what happened. Continue reading