Tag Archives: antique

Alternative Juice — A good part of this Kellyanne Conway breakfast.

(Note: It’s actually “alterative juice”, but I’m sticking with alternative juice because it amuses me.)

If you got syphilis, yo, this’ll solve it.
Alternative juice will prolly dissolve it.

Succus Alterans Alternative Juice
Seen at a North Star Auction preview in Bismarck, North Dakota. Alas, I did not win it the next day.

Let’s check out these Succus Alterans Alternative Juice ingredients! According to Wikipedia…

Stillingia sylvatica was used by Native Americans for syphilis and as a cathartic, diuretic, laxative, and emetic. In large doses, it causes vomiting and diarrhea.”

Smilax ornata (sarsparilla) “was a popular European treatment for syphilis when it was introduced from the New World.”

Phytolacca Decandra (pokeweed) is poisonous and was used for skin diseases, rheumatism, weight loss, mumps and arthritis.

Lappa Minor’s (lesser durdock) larger cousin, Arctium lappa, was used as “a diuretic, diaphoretic, and a blood purifying agent” as well as a cancer, skin condition and cold/flu treatment.

Xanthoxylum carolinanium (Hercules’ club) is also known as the “toothache tree” or “tingle tongue” and was used to treat toothache.

Who needs orange juice with a delightful concoction like this!

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They’re jolly! They’re jumping! They’re… spurge seed pods infested with moth larvae!

The Jolly Jumping Bean Family

Now, what’s more colorful than colors?

I can’t hear ya! I say what’s, what’s more colorful than Mexicolors?

Alright alright alright alright alright alright alright alright alright alright alright alright alright alright alright alright!

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Now with more diarrhoea!

Nyal Diarrhoea Mixture
Mmmm… 84% pure diarrhoea…
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“Big bubbles. No troubles.” — Sir Mix-a-Lot (attributed)

Hubba Bubba
1980 comic book ad for Hubba Bubba bubble gum

What a great way to introduce a new brand.

Look at the sheer amount of copy in this comic book ad aimed at kids!

The copywriter even got “akimbo” and “dadgum” approved!

Wowie-zowie! I’m impressed.

Note: I had no idea Hubba Bubba was available in mint flavor back in 1980.

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Hobnob with the Snobs

“Tonight we will enjoy only the finest of tastes and only the snootiest of laughter.”

— Preston Northwest, Gravity Falls

The California Limited
1904 magazine ad for the hoity-toity California Limited
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Tone Lōc has “Funky Cold Medina.” I have…

Guaranteed to quench your vices.
A pile of ham and a dose of spices.
Served with salad, maybe rices.
It’s budget-minded, low on prices.
Blowin’ up on your devices.
Hoes love spunky shoulder slices.

Spunky Shoulder Slices

Covergirl

If you know me, you know I had no choice but to find and acquire this magazine. 

Eek
November 1908 Farm Life magazine — was in rough shape but Photoshop helped me de-age it some.
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The perfect word.

Behold, the out-of-print poster you never knew you wanted.

The perfect word.
Found in Rolling Stone Magazine, May 22, 1975.
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Just when you thought it was just a turkey in the straw…

One Girl

One girl possesses the mysterious power to control the wheat strawworm, just as the legends foretold.

But what if she doesn’t stop there?

Coming soon to a theater near you from the U.S. Department of Agriculture… Farmers’ Bulletin No. 1323 – The Wheat Strawworm and Its Control

Sometimes the stalks get stalked.

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An angry thunderbolt of terror explodes out of the ocean’s depths!

♬ DaadumbDaadumbDadumb dadumb dadumb dadumb.

Orca
Found on the back cover of Marvel’s The Tomb of Dracula, Lord of Vampires #60 (September 1977) comic book.

Jaws it ain’t.

“A lousier movie may get made one of these days or years, but it will have to wrest the trophy from the dead and icy grasp of Orca.” — LA Times

“If it were medically possible to overdose on claptrap, Orca, which opened yesterday at the Criterion and other theaters, would be compelled to carry a warning from the Surgeon General.” — The New York Times

Well, now I’m probably going to have to find and watch it.

Spoiler alert: Bo Derek (in her movie debut) supposedly gets her leg chomped off in this masterpiece.

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