Yet another compelling reason why Apple created QuickTime.

For the most part, it was a morning much like any other morning for Larry Birch, master used car salesman and suave, debonaire and studly playboy about town. He spent the first couple of hours going around his office easily convincing the world at hand that he was a master used car salesman and suave, debonaire and studly playboy about town. And the world at hand politely listened, knowing that nothing could be further from the truth but that if they spoke up, their lives would be turned into a living hell by Larry Birch, master used car salesman and suave, debonaire and studly playboy about town.

So when he felt his chest tighten and pain shoot down his left arm during that fatal heart attack late in the morning that was, for the most part, a morning much like any other morning except for the whole heart attack thing, he fell down to the ground as his vision turned to black knowing full well that he would surely be rewarded in the afterlife for being such a master used car salesman and suave, debonaire and studly playboy about town.

He woke up reincarnated as a rawhide bone chew toy lovingly owned and masticated by Wuffles the Third, a fun-loving Great Dane with a minor incontinence problem.

Thanks to a faulty curtain rod on a late Saturday morning, the neighborhood reluctantly became aware of Mrs. Hornstocke’s adventurous foray into the lurid world of niche live adult webcam sites to supplement her meager retirement income.

Although not widely known and even less lauded, Lo Bang is the last living master of Fang Pi, the forbidden martial art of dragon’s thunder.

Thursday, May 5th, 1994: Buck Björnsen and Isaac J. Pinkerton isolate the nerd gene.

Unimpressed, Mr. Jacobs fails them both after discovering an empty can of Reddi Wip in Buck’s backpack, and for the simple fact that if they had actually read the assignment and done their homework like everybody else, they would have known that they were supposed to be searching for single-celled organisms in samples of tap water brought from home.

Saturday, May 24, 2008 - In a daring brand extension repackaging scheme to increase sales and create a new mass-market product category without spending any money on R&D, the world is introduced to the Pre-Oral-B Cooterbrush.

As rising industrial chemicals magnate Dalton Dundergras scanned the foyer, he felt his heart swell with pride and accomplishment over the elite class of society he finally found himself an integral part of.

And if he ever found the wisenheimer who coated the handrail with his company’s prototype InstaBond GigaGlue 5.0 Engineering Adhesive (patent pending), he made a promise to himself that their death would be slow, painful and unnecessarily inventive.

A-T T-H-E B-E-A-C-H J-U-S-T F-I-N-I-S-H-E-D B-U-R-Y-I-N-G F-I-V-E D-O-Z-E-N E-G-G-S I-N T-H-E S-A-N-D A-N-D T-O-L-D T-H-E C-O-N-T-A-C-T P-O-S-I-N-G A-S A L-I-F-E-G-U-A-R-D T-H-A-T I W-A-S A S-E-A T-U-R-T-L-E B-U-T H-E D-I-D-N-T R-E-S-P-O-N-D I-N P-R-O-P-E-R C-O-D-E O-R G-I-V-E M-E T-H-E M-I-C-R-O-B-L-U-E-P-R-I-N-T-S T-O T-H-E R-U-S-S-I-A-N D-E-V-I-C-E A-M G-R-O-W-I-N-G C-O-N-C-E-R-N-E-D T-H-A-T M-Y C-O-V-E-R I-S B-L-O-W-N A-W-A-I-T-I-N-G F-U-R-T-H-E-R I-N-S-T-R-U-C-T-I-O-N-S F-R-O-M C-E-N-T-R-A-L C-O-M-M-A-N-D P-L-E-A-S-E H-U-R-R-Y A-G-E-N-T L-O-G-G-E-R-H-E-A-D O-U-T