Category Archives: totally off topic

I had another Kinko’s dream this morning.

I was working the night shift at Kinko’s Copy Center (now FedEx Office) in Grand Forks, North Dakota and a lady came in wanting 54 half-page invites printed on Orbit Orange (I think that was “1A” in Kinko’s code) for a sauerkraut-themed party.

Sure thing, so I took her original at the counter and went back to the copiers and found out that management had switched to that stupid Just In Time inventory management system and there wasn’t enough Orbit Orange paper on the shelf and it was the night shift so I couldn’t order any in time anyway so I’m franticly digging through the back of the store looking for more Orbit Orange paper but I can’t find any.

So, since it’s a sauerkraut-themed party, I suggest maybe printing it on a cream-colored paper since that would be closer in color to sauerkraut, and she’s very kind and agrees but I can tell she’s disappointed.

So I go back to print her invites on cream-colored paper and then I can’t find her original invite to make copies from. So I’m digging all around and the store starts to get busy with more customers coming in but I’m going to find that damned invite. That lady is extremely patient.

So I finally find that original invite and it’s on a work table and just under the tabletop is a shelf that’s out of sight from the counter with a compartment full of heavier-weight Orbit Orange cardstock. Duh! These are 5.5”x8.5” invites so of course they should be copied on cardstock and I have enough to make them in Orbit Orange! She’ll be so happy!

But just as I go to grab the stack of Orbit Orange cardstock, I see that it’s all gone except for a single sheet and the morning person (Hi, Lynn!) who came to replace me had taken and used it for another project that just came in and then I woke up to a text message alert sound and I realized I had slept through five alarms and now I’m totally exhausted.

Poor Little Turtle Children

slow turtle child

It horrifies and sickens me that some parents would publicly shame their underperforming children like this.

You best mend your ways, Hot Liquid, or it’ll lead to a life of ruin!

Caution Hot Liquid!

Pokémon or questionable genital nickname?

magikarp62480

Bulbasaur
Charmander
Weedle
Beedrill
Pidgey
Spearow
Vulpix
Jigglypuff
Oddish
Mankey
Poliwag
Machop
Bellsprout
Tentacruel
Graveler
Slowpoke
Dewgong
Grimer
Cloyster
Gastly
Krabby
Cubone
Lickitung
Rhyhorn
Horsea
Electabuzz
Pinsir
Ninetales
Gyarados
Flareon
Snorlax
Squirtle

Twitter needs to change this to “Moments are not loading at this moment.”

Twitter Moments

Beware of Buns of Steel

Behold, the Asshole Lane.

Behold, the Asshole Lane (AKA the Testy Twat Triangle). It is found at the intersection of Main Avenue and 26th Street in Bismarck, North Dakota.

Home of the Asshole Lane

Home of the Asshole Lane


Its origin was probably one of good intentions, or at least an attempt to correct a mistake, but all that has long been forgotten. Continue reading

Bottom 12 Failed Guy Fieri Catchphrases

Bottom 12 Failed Guy Fieri Catchphrases

12. “Well, lick my scab!”

11. “Holy E. Coli!”

10. “That’ll frost the pubes!”

9. “Well, grill my gonads!”

8. “That’ll strangle the hooker!”

7. “This is out of butts!”

6. “F*ck the front door!”

5. “Well, butter my butt plug!”

4. “This is gangbangin’!”

3. “Off the nipple!”

2. “That’s tampon!”

1. “Twist off my taint and call me a marsupial!”

20 Righteous Republican Jokes for Republicans Who Think Republican Things Republicanly

1.
Q: Why do Trolls live under bridges?
A: Obama.
Continue reading

If you thought those Star Wars prequels were bad, you ain’t seen nuthin’ yet!

Step right up and don’t be shy, because you will not believe your eyes!

Behold, the carnival-attraction majesty of Space Odyssey 2000!

Space Odyssey 2000 is not to be confused with “2001: A Space Odyssey” — It’s completely different! Totally different! Continue reading