Alternative Juice — A good part of this Kellyanne Conway breakfast.

(Note: It’s actually “alterative juice”, but I’m sticking with alternative juice because it amuses me.)

If you got syphilis, yo, this’ll solve it.
Alternative juice will prolly dissolve it.

Succus Alterans Alternative Juice
Seen at a North Star Auction preview in Bismarck, North Dakota. Alas, I did not win it the next day.

Let’s check out these Succus Alterans Alternative Juice ingredients! According to Wikipedia…

Stillingia sylvatica was used by Native Americans for syphilis and as a cathartic, diuretic, laxative, and emetic. In large doses, it causes vomiting and diarrhea.”

Smilax ornata (sarsparilla) “was a popular European treatment for syphilis when it was introduced from the New World.”

Phytolacca Decandra (pokeweed) is poisonous and was used for skin diseases, rheumatism, weight loss, mumps and arthritis.

Lappa Minor’s (lesser durdock) larger cousin, Arctium lappa, was used as “a diuretic, diaphoretic, and a blood purifying agent” as well as a cancer, skin condition and cold/flu treatment.

Xanthoxylum carolinanium (Hercules’ club) is also known as the “toothache tree” or “tingle tongue” and was used to treat toothache.

Who needs orange juice with a delightful concoction like this!

The label copy (I had to guess at bits of it):

Succus Alterans Alternative Juice
Reg. U. S. Pat. Off
Contains Alcohol 24 per cent.

Dose—One teaspoonful, in water, three times a day before or after meals, and gradually increased to tablespoonful doses.

Succus Alterans is the preserved fresh juices of the true medicinal plants, Stillingia, Sylvatica, Smilax Sarsaparilla, Phytolacca Decandra, Lappa Minor and Xanthoxylum carolinanium (?). It is endorsed by Dr. G. W. McDade, Dr. J. Marion Sims, Dr. B. Rush Jones and many other eminent physicians.

Prepared under exclusive sanction of Geo. W. McDade Md. (?)

only by Eli Lilly & Co. Pharmaceutical Chemists
Indianapolis Ind USA

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