Tag Archives: nabisco

A Speculative TV Commercial for Nabisco Newtons

Old-Timey US Senate Chamber

[Late afternoon in the United States Senate Chamber. Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell is addressing the room.]

Mitch McConnell: “…therefore, we all agree that President Donald Trump has the handsomest and firmest buttocks in Ameri… Lindsey, are you eating a cookie? You’re going to ruin your supper!”

Lindsey Graham: “Fuck off, Mitch. It’s not a cookie; it’s a Newton! Besides, what does it matter? We all sold our souls to the devil and that bloated cheeto* has dirt on us all!”

McConnell: “I say I say, how dare you insult our Dear Supreme Leader…”

Graham: “He calls you ‘Mitch the Bitch’ you know.”

McConnell: [Sputters Southernly]

Rand Paul: “Dammit, Lindsey! Are those my fuckin’ Newtons!?”

Graham: [stuffing more Newtons in his mouth] “No. Fuck off.”

[Paul tackles Graham. McConnell tries to reestablish dominance by inflating his neck wattle but is ignored. The rest of the Senators join the fracas.]

[A package of Nabisco Newtons appears on screen along with new tagline.]

Voiceover: “Fuck off. It’s a Newton!”

Singout: ♬ Na-bis-co! ♬


*Used generically to annoy Frito-Lay.

Branding Nabisco a Little Bit Better

“Triscuit minis”

Tsk tsk tsk… Your product extension naming has gotten a little uninspired, Nabisco!

You did pretty good with Ritz Bits and Nutter Butter Bites, but with Mini Oreo, Mini Nilla Wafers, Mini Chips Ahoy! and now Triscuit minis, you guys are just phoning it in.

C’mon! We can do better! Let’s get out of the rut and do some real branding!

Let’s start with a few names the focus groups will absolutely hate, because that’s always fun to do and helps get it out of their systems…









And now several that might fare a little bit better…

Triscuit Petites

Triscuits for Dolls / Gnomes / Elves / Dwarves / Borrowers / etc.

Triscuit Bitscuits

Triscuit Runts (Whoops. Don’t wanna piss off Wonka. How about…)

Runty Triscuits

Now let’s try some consumer-friendly, mind-stickin’ alliteration and consonance…

Tiny Triscuits

Teeny Triscuits

Little Triscuits

And my personal favorites…

Triscuit Little Bits

Teensy-Weensy Triscuits

Teeny-Weeny Triscuits

Itty-Bitty Triscuits

While we’re at it, here’s a bonus suggestion for an umbrella brand name for your entire miniature product line…


You’re welcome. Now send me some money and move some units!