Behold, the Asshole Lane (AKA the Testy Twat Triangle). It is found at the intersection of Main Avenue and 26th Street in Bismarck, North Dakota.
Its origin was probably one of good intentions, or at least an attempt to correct a mistake, but all that has long been forgotten.
In 2016, it is a lane used exclusively by assholes. More specifically, the impatient asshole.
Not content to wait at the intersection behind cars in the non-disappearing lane, the asshole drives into the Asshole Lane and waits for the green light. Then he* punches the gas and tries to drive faster than the cars in the real lane so he can pass them from the outside and turn into the real lane before he runs out of Asshole Lane.
I have seen three different outcomes from the Asshole Lane strategy:
1. The asshole successfully uses the Asshole Lane to pass the vehicles in the real lane, allowing the asshole to turn into the real lane before he runs out of Asshole Lane.
2. The asshole isn’t fast enough to pass the other vehicles, but somebody in the real lane is nice enough to let the asshole in. Or the asshole finds a space between two vehicles to squeeze into.
3. The asshole isn’t fast enough to pass the other vehicles, but nobody in the real lane lets the asshole in so he has to slow down and wait until all the cars in the real lane have passed him by. It is a most beautiful thing to see.
I am still waiting to see these three possible outcomes from the Asshole Lane strategy:
1. The asshole isn’t fast enough to pass the other vehicles, but the asshole is such an incredible asshole that he doesn’t slow down, runs out of Asshole Lane and rolls his vehicle into the ditch.
2. The asshole isn’t fast enough to pass the other vehicles, and one of the drivers in the real lane is so tired of assholes using the Asshole Lane that they ram the current asshole into the ditch.
3. The asshole and his vehicle are instantly destroyed in the Asshole Lane by a falling satellite that survived burning up during reentry.
Sadly, Bismarck, North Dakota, has more that just this one Asshole Lane.
There’s another Asshole Lane (in the guise of a slow vehicle lane) further down the road that ends at the top of the hill by Midwest Motor Express.
There’s also a third Asshole Lane (in the guise of a turning lane) on the part of North 9th Street that passes by the St. Alexius hospital — this Asshole Lane abruptly ends past the Rosser Avenue intersection when it suddenly becomes street parking. But for the last couple of years, assholes haven’t been able to use this particular Asshole Lane because it’s blocked off for a giant construction crane that never seems to get used. I’m sure assholes will more than make up for lost time once the crane is finally disassembled and taken away.
I’m sure there are other Asshole Lanes in the Bismarck-Mandan area, and certainly plenty more found in other municipalities, but the Asshole Lane on Main and 26th is the apex of Asshole Lanes.
So what it there to learn from all this?
Don’t be an asshole, and don’t use the Asshole Lane.
*The Asshole Lane is used by both male and female assholes, but skews male.