Behold, the Asshole Lane.

Behold, the Asshole Lane (AKA the Testy Twat Triangle). It is found at the intersection of Main Avenue and 26th Street in Bismarck, North Dakota.

Home of the Asshole Lane

Home of the Asshole Lane


Its origin was probably one of good intentions, or at least an attempt to correct a mistake, but all that has long been forgotten.

In 2016, it is a lane used exclusively by assholes. More specifically, the impatient asshole.

Not content to wait at the intersection behind cars in the non-disappearing lane, the asshole drives into the Asshole Lane and waits for the green light. Then he* punches the gas and tries to drive faster than the cars in the real lane so he can pass them from the outside and turn into the real lane before he runs out of Asshole Lane.

I have seen three different outcomes from the Asshole Lane strategy:

1. The asshole successfully uses the Asshole Lane to pass the vehicles in the real lane, allowing the asshole to turn into the real lane before he runs out of Asshole Lane.

2. The asshole isn’t fast enough to pass the other vehicles, but somebody in the real lane is nice enough to let the asshole in. Or the asshole finds a space between two vehicles to squeeze into.

3. The asshole isn’t fast enough to pass the other vehicles, but nobody in the real lane lets the asshole in so he has to slow down and wait until all the cars in the real lane have passed him by. It is a most beautiful thing to see.

I am still waiting to see these three possible outcomes from the Asshole Lane strategy:

1. The asshole isn’t fast enough to pass the other vehicles, but the asshole is such an incredible asshole that he doesn’t slow down, runs out of Asshole Lane and rolls his vehicle into the ditch.

2. The asshole isn’t fast enough to pass the other vehicles, and one of the drivers in the real lane is so tired of assholes using the Asshole Lane that they ram the current asshole into the ditch.

3. The asshole and his vehicle are instantly destroyed in the Asshole Lane by a falling satellite that survived burning up during reentry.

Sadly, Bismarck, North Dakota, has more that just this one Asshole Lane.

There’s another Asshole Lane (in the guise of a slow vehicle lane) further down the road that ends at the top of the hill by Midwest Motor Express.

There’s also a third Asshole Lane (in the guise of a turning lane) on the part of North 9th Street that passes by the St. Alexius hospital — this Asshole Lane abruptly ends past the Rosser Avenue intersection when it suddenly becomes street parking. But for the last couple of years, assholes haven’t been able to use this particular Asshole Lane because it’s blocked off for a giant construction crane that never seems to get used. I’m sure assholes will more than make up for lost time once the crane is finally disassembled and taken away.

I’m sure there are other Asshole Lanes in the Bismarck-Mandan area, and certainly plenty more found in other municipalities, but the Asshole Lane on Main and 26th is the apex of Asshole Lanes.

So what it there to learn from all this?

Don’t be an asshole, and don’t use the Asshole Lane.

Thank you.
__________

*The Asshole Lane is used by both male and female assholes, but skews male.

23 thoughts on “Behold, the Asshole Lane.

  1. doug

    the worst asshole lane seems to be the one coming off of main in mandan onto the interstate!!!

  2. Rew Kirsch

    There’s one on divide going east where it crosses state st.

    And one on expressway eastbound across Washington.

    I use them all the time and will continue to use them. Because fucksticks sit at intersections on their cell phones and don’t go when it’s green…..

  3. Lyle

    That’s different than Douchebag Ave. That little lane of road that magically appears on the east bound lane of W Bismarck Expressway and then ends on the other side of Washington St. It always turned into an NHRA event every morning.

  4. Jon

    We call them an “asshole lane” out here, but in places where people know how to actually merge it’s not an issue.

  5. Kristie Krueger Parr

    Totally agree with Doug, worst Asshat lane is East Main Mandan onto I94; an Asshat gets me everytime….it’s like a drag race there and don’t know why I never see a policeman sitting there is beyond me!

  6. Concerned Citizen

    Being a Bismarck native, I learned all about the asshole lane. Now that I live in Phoenix, I see these lanes all over. If I’m next to the the asshole, I punch the gas also as to not let the cock-gobbler in front of me. If I’m in the 2nd position, I ride the number and won’t let the cum-guzzler in front of me and force them to slow down.

  7. Lisa

    Saw it further down but agree – the one on Divide heading east just after state street.

  8. Thejerseyshore

    I think there may be more “asshole lanes” in NJ than people in North Dakota

  9. Johanna

    There’s an asshole lane by the cracker barrel too!! And there’s one just across the street by McDonalds.

  10. Lila McLean

    Laughed really hard at this. But it is so true. I thought it was an anomaly in my home town Paso Robles CA and I wondered what ass hole in the City thought of such a stupid set up.

  11. Winston

    Is this the biggest concern you have? I would just suggest you get some sort of life.

  12. normal driver

    Ive never done what they are describing but I can understand people doing it because the people hear all drive so slow. If the speed limit says 40 you will be lucky if you hit 35. I cant imagine how early they must leave if they have to cross town here? And in keeping with the language of the article there is only one reason someone would drive slow. STUPID!! Obviously everything flying by at a break neck speed of anything above 22 mph is to much for there P-brains to handle. May favorite is how they will step on it so you cant get around them yet they dont go if you let them stay ahead of you. Thats a special kind of stupid there. My main question is how on earth so many stupid people all ended up in the same place. I travel a lot and have never seen (stupid) people drive as slow as they do here.

  13. HENRY WEBER

    Evidently Bismarck is not big enough for people to properly use multiple lanes reducing and properly merge. Granted there are those who take advantage and try to get ahead, but if visitors don’t know the street they can easily get caught and should be allowed to merge.

  14. Fitzy

    Divide Ave on the east bound side immediately after crossing Schafer St. Just south of the old Economy Foods or North of the old Capital Lanes.

  15. Laura

    I’m ok with people using the asshole lanes as long as when they do get in front of me, they don’t freaking cram on the breaks and turn right away. That maneuver gives me a bit of road rage.

  16. Curtis

    They are meant to ease traiffic….not hard really. Learn to merge and let people merge. The ass holes are the ones that don’t let anyone merge on purpose. As in speeding up or slowing down just so someone can’t merge over. Don’t be that asshole!!

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