111 Things Tea Party Republicans Are Against

NOTE: This list is by no means comprehensive but covers the current bulk of grievances, gripes, grumblings and other things that trigger hissy fits.

Liberals

Taxes

Gun control

Any government service that doesn’t involve guns

Womenfolk

Soccer

Ejimacation

Birth control

Government interference

Abortion

Moms

Single moms

Lesbian moms

Single lesbian moms

Married lesbian moms

Anyone or anything remotely gay, including happy-gay

Your tired

Your poor

Your huddled masses

Canada

Mexico

Kenya

Middle Earth

All other countries

Foreigners

Immigrants

Illegal aliens

Space aliens

Homo sapiens

Folks who don’t speak American

Common sense

Common courtesy

Civil discourse

Civics

Guys with more-attractive wives

Hifalutin

The price of camouflage these days

Giving every kid a chance to succeed in life

Equal rights for non-whites

People who ain’t corporations

Whisky without an “e”

Sarcasm (If it exists. They’re not sure.)

Non-bald eagles

Butterflies

Socialist prairie dogs

Nature

Easy breathing

Men that eat yogurt

Objectivity

Folks who actually know what they’re talking about

Walmart’s new logo that kinda looks like a bunghole

Thinkin’

Subtleties

Context

The golden rule

Issues that can’t be condensed down into a catchphrase

People who ain’t as gullible as they are

Restaurants that don’t have picture menus

Missile launcher restrictions

Smartypants

Non-Murdochian news

Anything Obama or Obamaesque

Non-fossil fuels

Scientists

Science

Thomas Dolby

Tennis

That sacred-American-document-pilferin’ Nicolas Cage

Strip clubs that don’t offer Tea Party discounts

Tea

Facts

Openmindedness

Gray areas

Danica Patrick

People who are different than them

Hillary-humpin’ moderate Republicans

Republicans who ain’t right enough

Republicans who ain’t far-right enough

Republicans who ain’t far-far-right enough

Basically, all other Republicans who ain’t Tea Party Republicans

Libertarians, because it sounds an awful lot like “liberal”

(later, after finding out that Libertarians are a big part of the Tea Party movement…)
Not being able to kick Libertarians out of the Tea Party movement

Irony, because it sounds like ironing, and that’s women’s work

Same-sex marriage, because that will somehow destroy non-same-sex marriage

…Especially lesbians, because neither one can be the head of the household

Females who won’t have sex with them and are therefore lesbians

The lack of “spine rip” fatalities in major American sports

Walkin’ a mile in another man’s shoes

Walkin’ anywhere in a woman’s shoes

Benevolence, whatever that means

Turn signals

Still no Nugentrumpalin superbabies

People who claim that the Kochs and Murdoch are playing Tea Partiers for a bunch of fools

People who actually read and understand the Constitution

People who don’t properly appreciate Dixie mud flaps

Friends and family who tag them in photos from the Klan rally

Things Jesus Christ actually said and believed

All other beliefs, including all other Christian denominations, sub-denominations, sub-sub-denominations and sub-sub-sub-denominations

DNA testing ruining perfectly-good executions

Surgeon General warnings

The Lorax (probably an illegal alien or a lesbian)

Democracy, because it sounds an awful lot like “democrat”

The cancellation of NBC’s Smash after only two seasons

Being called a xenophobe, because that kinda sounds gay

Realizing that the Tea Party benefits pretty much only rich folk

Progress

Change

Having nice things

America

Lists

“Them”

Leave a Reply