Writing is a craft not an art.

“Hello friend. Come and play with me. Come and stay puft with me, friend. Forever… and ever… and ever.”

MILLER LITE

DIGI-MAN: “If it was up to me, brewers wouldn’t even dream of making a less-filling beer unless it tastes great.”

[ON SCREEN: Tastes great, less filling. Or at least we used to be.]

DIGI-MAN: “In fact, they’d spend all their time dreaming up ways to give us more hops for our money.”

[ON SCREEN: Triple hops brewed, whatever that means.]

DIGI-MAN: “I guess… I’d just like to see a little more beer and a little less calories, you know?”

[ON SCREEN: Available in watered-down 40s.]

DIGI-MAN: “If it was up to me, they’d spend a lot more time worrying about me getting my buzz on and my expanding waistline.”

[ON SCREEN: Please drink in moderation. Not really.]

VOICEOVER: Beer rules. At Miller Lite, beer rules. Are you ready to drink?

[LOGO / URL]

___________

MCDONALD’S

DIGI-WOMAN: “I thought fast food restaurants were there to help me with my healthy diet decisions. So where’s that help when I need it?”

[ON SCREEN: You can choose between fried and deep-fried!]

DIGI-WOMAN: “If I could change one thing, we’d all get a ton of reconstituted onions just for ordering a sandwich.”

[ON SCREEN: Our Big Mac has some, and a lot of other stuff too. You know the song.]

DIGI-WOMAN: “Shouldn’t I be able to talk about increasing my cholesterol levels without it costing a fortune?”

[ON SCREEN: It's not polite to talk with your mouth full.]

DIGI-WOMAN: “If I had it my way, fast food restaurants would be falling all over themselves to help me with my fast food choices.”

[ON SCREEN: "Have it your way" is Burger King, bitch.]

VOICEOVER: Fast food rules. At McDonald’s, fast food rules. Are you ready to eat fast food?

[LOGO / URL]

Thank you, Kleenex, for making our lives so much more exciting! I feel faint.

Exhibit A

Narrator: “The years passed, mankind became stupider at a frightening rate. Some had high hopes that genetic engineering would correct this trend in evolution, but sadly the greatest minds and resources were focused on conquering hair loss and prolonging erections.”

- Idiocracy, 2006
__________

Exhibit B

Girl 1: “We’re here at Acne HQ looking for answers.”

Girl 2: “…’cuz this is where all the big science braniacs hang out.”

- Clean & Clear commercial, 2010

Vowels

A grade school teacher uses basic reading and ‘riting skills to solve playground crime.

Bowels

A gastroenterologist uses her knowledge of the alimentary canal to solve crime.

Mousse

A Canadian chef uses the power of light and creamy desserts to solve crime.

Civics

An immigrant with an exceptional knowledge of the Constitution uses the power of citizenship to solve crime.

Scrappy

A underdeveloped canine uses puppy power to solve crime.

Icing

A former professional hockey player uses his skating skills and love of pastries to fight and solve crime.

Pressed

A disgraced dry cleaner uses his knowledge of steam and stains to solve crime.

Overdue

A librarian nearing retirement uses the power of the Dewey Decimal System to find lost and missing books, people, and perhaps even love.

Laid Out

An advertising agency art director uses the powers of Adobe software, balance, black clothes and belligerence to solve design crime.

(transcribed from a 15 second commercial during Saturday morning cartoons)
__________
Here it comes! The first cupcake cereal ever!
♬ New Cupcake Pebbles! ♬
(Wha-ho!)
♬ Party in a box! ♬
(Mmmm!)
♬ Tastes yummy like a cupcake! ♬
♬ Makes you wanna rock! ♬
(Woo-hoo!)
New Post Cupcake Pebbles! Partofagoodbreakfast.
♬ Party in a box! ♬
(Yum-yum!)
__________
Idiocracy is now, and it’s frosting-flavored.

Sold in the United States as “Sour Puckerooms Gummies”, I think we now know how Mr. Wonka controls his poor Oompa-Loompas and the general Oompa-Loompa population.

We can only hope and pray that he never brings Wonka’s Doompety Doo to market.

When casting hand models for your commercials, sometimes it’s a good policy to find out if they’re colorblind.

Back in 1925, an advertising phenomenon was born with the Burma-Shave highway sign campaign, eventually rhyming its way across America and up to the number two brand/sales position for brushless shaving cream. Since then, Burma-Shave’s legendary star may have fallen, but the time is right to hit the information highway and resurrect this legendary product and campaign for the short attention spans and precariously erratic grooming habits of the Internet age. Myself included.

So without further ado, here’s 21 brand-spanking-new Burma-Shave rhyming-type poems to get things rolling again in 2010:

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