Note: Back in the 90s, I did a few slogan and jingle contests on my agency’s website and also created the scenarios for each season. What you will find below was one of them. (I hope to have the rest of them preserved here in the near future.)
The PAW! World’s Worst Slogan Game Scenario Number Seven: Project Qwerto
It’s been another run-of-the-mill Monday morning at the ol’ advertising agency. You promptly showed up for work three hours late and have settled into the daily grind of creating marvelous, cutting-edge ads for your admiring roster of global clients. And a small black and white print advertisement for the local babushka factory.
Imagining the Chantix commercials if they were required by law to have the actors act out the Chantix side effects.
Over the last three months, many exciting and status-quo-shattering advances have taken place in social media: Google’s new sentient social algorithms, Facebook’s beta Extra-Like button and Twitter’s premium 141st-character option, to name but a few. This article will teach you how to best exploit these new opportunities for dynamic social media mastery in only twelve easy steps.
“It’s going to take both of us to finally bring down El Dyson.”
“I.. I don’t know if I’m strong enough, Cricket. Remember what El Dyson did to me in Madrid?”
“Of course I remember Madrid, Vixen. I also remember you saying El Dyson must be stopped. I… I can’t do this without you.”
“Let’s do this thing. But first, a nap.”
“Of course. And then perhaps another nap.”
“Of course. For strength.”
Look, Ma! I made the cover!
At a Starbucks:
“VENTI VENTI VENTI!!!”
Buying a toilet at Lowe’s:
“WHY DO I HAVE TO BUY THE WHOLE SEAT IF I ONLY NEED THE EDGE!?!?”
At the ballet:
“YOU CALL THAT A PIROUETTE!?!?”
Deer hunting with his pals:
“IT MUST HAVE SMELLED US!!!”
At a funeral:
“SHE’S IN A BETTER PLACE NOW!!!”
At a ski resort:
“AVALANCHE!!! ANOTHER AVALANCHE!!!”
Discussing the weather:
“IT’S NOT THE HEAT!!! IT’S THE HUMIDITY!!!”
In the kitchen:
At the proctologist:
“MY BOWELS ARE ALREADY SHAKING!!!”
At a public library:
“I HAVE AS MUCH RIGHT TO BE IN HERE AS EVERYBODY ELSE!!!”
Calling the family cat in at night:
“MISTER WHISKERS!!! MISTER WHISKERS!!! HERE KITTY KITTY KITTY!!!”
Checking on his children at midnight:
“ARE YOU ASLEEP!?!?”
An unused illustration by Bob S. from my earlier days of North Dakota advertising.
Framed and hanging on my wall.
This beautifully-realized two-piece wine bottle label is for Carnivor Wines’ Cabernet Sauvignon 2012 (Modesto, California).
I can’t wait to taste what’s inside.
Well done, meat-eaters. Well done.
Take your time. This is a tough one.