Kids are growing up so fast these days.

Never shake hands with a Genitalien.

If you’re hiking in the mountains of Italy with your buddies and you start to hear dueling hurdy gurdies in the distance, run as fast as you can in the opposite direction.

Standing on the edge of the cliff with the cold glow of the cruel city spreading out before him, he thought of the harsh events from earlier that night. The call. The panicked voice. The scream. The shot. The dial tone. The race down the steps to the car. The mad dash to her house. The door off its hinges. The body. Not hers. Thank God. The note. The taunt. The rage-filled cry. The thirst. The liter-sized Diet Mountain Dew in the fridge. The search. And now, this. It felt good to finally be able to pee, standing on the edge of the cliff with the cold glow of the cruel city spreading out before him.

“I’m flattered, you two. Really I am. But speaking as both your astrologer and marriage counselor, I really don’t see a threesome in our future.”

When producing a commercial, be careful how the words are wiped onto the screen.

“Sí, Armando. It is true that a great number of our people are highly educated and excellent writers and communicators, but then somebody throws in an unnecessary apostrophe and ruins everything. ¡uf!”

Seussian Edition

We’re financial bigwigs — your lender and banker.
The smarties who took the economy and tank’d her.
(more…)

Ever since the pharmaceutical industry succeeded in the dismantling of the pesky FDA, many exciting and new co-branding ventures have proven to be extremely lucrative. For example, Melitta’s Psilocybin Hazelnut Creme With A Touch Of Xanax is now the #2-selling coffee in the United States.

As the gang of young and plucky sleuths examined their latest clue in the secret chamber of the abandoned mansion on the hill, Ooby, their beloved microcephalic owl, tried to alert them to the approaching and very angry sword-wielding apparition by squawking out random nonsensical exclamations.